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Ellouise and Jim Schoettler - 25th Wedding Anniversary

On our 25th wedding anniversary (1980) our teen-age children put on a really nice

buffet dinner and cake cutting at our home.  It was a warm group made up of people from many aspects of our life together.  It was a lovely evening.

Jim and I bought and moved into this house - where I still live - in 1970. It has seen many gatherings that linger in my memories. In fact the whole house reeks of those memories.. gatherings, holidays, birthdays, just quiet evenings and busy days.  Jim's presence is strong here. Sometimes it makes me cry when I realize it is 6:30 PM and I am expecting him to drive into the driveway, open the back door and walk in. But he doesn't.

I do not want to move. This house is home and it carries 43 years of our history.

As I wake up from the shroud of fog that has been around my shoulders and mind for the last 11 months I realize how much there is to do here.  

Jim's illness was primary for a year and now I have to catch up.

I bought a new front door this month. That's a story. For one thing, what do I know about choosing a front door, not to mention the "sticker shock" for a decent door and storm door.  I cancelled the order the first time and then re-did it. Then they came and measured. Hopefully I will have a new door by the middle of February.

I still haven't donated our old Toyota. It is sitting its usual place in front of the house. Sometimes when I drive down the block I see it and when my first thought is "Jim's home." I start to cry.  I guess its time - but I still don't want to let it go.

On he Hill of Tara, Ireland  20008

You see this is what has happened. As I wake up for the fog of first shock and grief -  like a modern day Rip Van Winkle - I know that our life together is over - "til death do you part" - and so be it - but after 57 years Jim and I are too inter-twined for me to accept that. 

I am trying to figure out how to move ahead - and keep him with me.