Wednesday, December 19, 2012
O me O my.
Woke up this morning from a dream about Jim.
Started crying. "Come on", I say to myself, "That doesn't help".
The rest of the family arrived last night. Their plane was late so by the time they arrived I was asleep.
Today our Christmas Holiday really begins.
If Jim were here he would tell me its important for me to join in - to be part of the celebration.
We are here together - because he isn't here.
All our family is grieving too. I am the mother - but - - -
I don't know whether I can play "let's pretend" and join in. Or, be the mother.
At home, I live alone. Its a surprise to me that I have grown to like it. My grieving times are mostly very private. I get through them, pull myself together and then, face the world.
I had not thought about the fact that being in the family group in tight-knit surroundings I would feel very exposed - emotionally - often choking on my feelings.
In the books "on grief" they tell you that people say grieving makes people very selfish. People say people who are grieving think only of themselves. It must seem that way. But the truth is - at times you can't think beyond the ache in your heart . I think that's what some people don't understand.
I am sure I did not understand the aching loneliness of grief and how it colors the world before I started to feel and live with it.
A wise friend advised me to look at this situation as a "workshop". What have I come to learn from being here - in these circumstances? Curious idea - not sure it will work for me - -
You mean this is another F-ing learning experience?